There is too much to do

The nature of remaining flexible while adhering to certain guiding points is revealing our values and then determining our decisions, sometimes by eliminating what we don’t want. It is intuitive advice to listen to the site, which is hard not to do, honestly! In this way, the process is truly a collaboration between us and nature. Neither of us know exactly what to do, so we talk a lot and then just get started, staying open to changes. And it can be stressful! Controlling the trajectory of a falling tree is possible to a certain extent, but not entirely, and some go backwards despite our best efforts. Both of us work like fiends on occasion and get myopic. Add to that internal drive the noise of machinery, time pressure from looming heavy rains, poorly developed hand signals, perhaps that morning a thread of frustration with the other, and the potential for conflict, danger, and damage becomes very real.

Or we weather the misunderstandings and impatience borne out of too many questions and not enough answers: siting burn piles, for example was a small issue for me because the heat of a fire kills all the soil life below it. But we had branches to burn, and before the tractor, Joel and I were dragging them to the burn site, so it made sense to keep it well-located. That resolved itself easily enough, but you can imagine how an inflexible attitude is death. Many times I have had to take several deep breaths and set my ego aside to hear as best I can what his present concern may be. What do I really need to know from him, and what is unknown territory for him as well? When we did acquire a tractor late in the year, I used it to drill post holes for my fence. This was a weather-dependent task, and needed to happen in one area ASAP prior to planting. Driving the tractor onto increasingly rain-softened soil was painful to me. But he had found other tasks for the tractor and was loth to give it up. I felt abandoned. We had from previous disagreements sort of agreed to a separation of projects, helping each other as truly necessary but trying to stay out of each other’s way otherwise. This was ‘my gig’. I was happy to do it, but I needed the tool.

He gave me a window in which to do what I needed to do, but I had no experience doing this task, and no experience with tractors. I had done some you-tube watching, but it wasn’t helpful enough. I was prepared as I could be but there was still a lot of mistake-making and yelling. He tried to tell me I was being a poor listener. My brain was melting under the pressures and I felt that he wasn’t telling me anything helpful worth listening to. I was cowering while he was telling me to get over it and figure it out. I felt that he wasn’t even trying to help me figure it out, and was relieved when he stormed off. I cried then as I carried on trying to figure it out. When he returned, there was apology and a kind of reconciliation, but he had also made an observation of my efforts that led him to an analogy that was interesting and helpful. When on a slope, drilling a post hole that is supposed to be plum, one might best use the auger like a drill bit into difficult wood, or pre-drilling a toe-nail: you might get it started at a much steeper angle that your end-goal angle. Begin to drill, establishing the location and breaking up the resistance, then re-position the tractor to get it plum before continuing. (also, to make an auger plum from an awkward slope angle, consider positioning one back wheel onto the kind of portable ramp for cars that facilitates looking or working under it.) This insight I would never have come to on my own. I wish it had not been born out of impatience, but I’m glad he came back to share it with me despite his anger. I practiced on the flats, and didn’t get a chance to get back on the tractor until weeks later. Several deep breaths as I stroked the leaves of my babies and felt my womb heaving to protect them. Put the ego aside and trust that all the right things are happening….

I still have my opinions about that whole episode, but I guess anyone in a successful relationship can describe moments of mandatory diplomacy in the face of intense disagreement. I put on my best face and waited for the next opportunity; when it came, I was prepared and successful alone. I calmed down substantially after that, since getting the tractor out of that area allowed me to get the kids planted. The weather continued to be freakishly dry for the pacific NW, well into January, and he got a lot of his work done too. Eventually I went on a nice long vacation without him. But was that the best way to deal with it? I mentioned that I would share emotional struggle here, in hopes of lessons shared and learned. My takeaway is that what we did was face the stress of the moment, suck it up and get the work done. Then relax and reflect and talk as needed later. As the months continued, our relationship grew stronger. I guess that’s the ultimate answer. The other major takeaway for me is to avoid setting him up to disappoint me. I had an expectation that he said was reasonable (a full fence by the end of winter 2019), but ultimately wasn’t prioritized. I will avoid asking for too much in the future, triangulating between the known reference points of tasks to be accomplished and employing more of my own council. There is simply too much to do overall to rely on priorities remaining rigid in the face of new information. What he did was prepare land for construction and begin building an excellent driveway. That was not in the plan, but its great that he got so far with it before the rains really hit.

Another big factor in decision making has been available money. I have not found the seeds for the money tree, even on the dark web ;), so it is our labor that arises as the solution to a lack of easy funds. My awesome Pop bought the land, and there is money to build a studio/ simple home, but there is no blank check. It would have been great to rent a stump grinder probably attached to a bobcat (minimal compaction), but they are $4000 for a week, or more. I can buy a car for that. Joel spent many weeks worth of time cutting those stumps instead, slowly interspersed with other activities, because he has committed his time to the project regardless of being paid for his time. One of our values is to not rush a job that might be done better slowly and thoroughly. However, in collaboration with Nature, we needed to drop all the trees in question before winter storms might blow the newly exposed ones over instead. Apparently this is a real threat to the weak trees along Dee Creek, and one Joel is addressing before building any structures within their 120’ reach! We have already experienced this threat: a large noble fir came down this past winter, exposed to more wind than it had been before because we had thinned around it. It landed in my shade garden but thankfully missed everything I had lovingly planted.

So the challenges are layered, and I am learning when I can stretch my comfort zone and where I get so stretched that I break. Joel keeps re-assuring me that the chaos will settle eventually, which is nice of him, but not really helpful. I need a way to retain my equilibrium that doesn’t leave him feeling abandoned, because my sense is that the chaos will not settle down anytime soon. …

…writing helps.